A couple going through a rocky patch as newborn parents have revealed how a sleep divorce schedule helped them stay strong.
When Amanda Devan, 30 and her husband, Nathan, 33, first started dating, they found sharing a bed “comforting and natural”.
But as the years passed, with two babies [not named for privacy reasons] in the mix alongside working full-time, the couple struggled to get enough hours of shut eye.
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In a bid to keep their own sanity, and to navigate their relationship through this tough phase, they decided to get a sleep divorce.
The term, as it’s been coined, refers to when a couple sleep in separate bedrooms or beds – with Amanda and Nathan also working in a schedule to keep things fair.
“I was definitely hesitant at first, because we both usually sleep better when we’re in our bed,” the editor told What’s The Jam.
“Nathan and I weren’t getting a lot of one-on-one time to connect as it was, so in bed at night was the only time it was just the two of us.
“Neither of us were concerned about intimacy to be honest – it was more important for us to be happy and rested during the day than sleeping next to each other and being miserable all the time.
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“I think for any relationship, sleeplessness and resentment are a bad mix.
“And that’s where we were headed if we had tried to do things the traditional way.”
Amanda and Nathan, from Texas, US, used to often wake up in the middle of the night whenever their first baby, now aged three, cried and argued about whose turn it was, who was more tired and a range of other factors.
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This is when the sleep divorce schedule came into effect with their second baby, now aged one.
She said: “Fighting all night about who would get up and soothe our first baby was exhausting and really hard on our marriage.
“I wanted to work out a way where both of us could get good sleep while still caring for our baby.
“The concept of sleeping in separate beds wasn’t really something I came across or read about, I just knew we needed to do something.
“It was born out of necessity and courtesy for each other.
“I just wrote up a schedule and worked out, if everything went to plan, we’d both be getting at least six hours of sleep each night.
“We were both working and I was also nursing, as well as being at home with the baby during the day.
“We also agreed that if we needed to adjust or swap shifts, we just had to be honest and proactively communicate.”
The pair set up their guest bedroom as a makeshift nursery with a spare bed, and the main bedroom had a sound machine to drown out any other noise, as well as sleeping essentials.
Nathan took the shift from 8pm, with Amanda starting at 1am.
At 8am, Nathan was back to work, before their usual daily routines started again.
And the method hasn’t only helped with their sleeping and taking on being parents, it’s also aided within their own mental health and relationship.
She said: “I truly couldn’t believe what a different postpartum experience it was for me.
“I was so much more level-headed, so much happier and I was able to give my kids my full attention.
“I wasn’t snapping at my husband over every little inconvenience, things became manageable and we saw so much benefit from it.
“Knowing we were working together and that we had enough respect for one another’s well-being was so relieving.
“It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off our shoulders and helped us feel secure during a very stressful time as new parents.”
When their youngest started to sleep through most of the night, the pair returned to their old routine.
But the method has been a “life-saver” and they urge any newborn parents to try it out, too.
Amanda added: “Like they say on aeroplanes, you have to put your own mask on first before helping your children – and the same rule applies with sleeping.
“Parenting is a tough job, especially when you’re not rested enough, and I really feel like I wouldn’t have been as present for my kids during that phase if we hadn’t been prioritising our sleep.
“Our family and people online have been really supportive, saying that they also tried this out and it was so good for their marriage.
“I was really excited to go back to my own bed full-time, but the mindset of equal sleep has carried over into our lives now, which is really great.
“A well-rested mum is a mum who can think clearly and take better care of her children.
“When Nathan was getting more sleep than me with our first baby, I was so resentful of that.
“Now, I am so grateful to be with someone who cares for our family enough to make sure our sacrifices were equal.”
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