‘I’m in a PLATONIC MARRIAGE – we sleep in different rooms and date other people’

A woman has revealed that she and her husband have a “platonic marriage” – and says it works better for them than a traditional partnership.

Kate, 40, realised how “co-dependent” she and her husband, Matt, had become during their 15-year marriage, and they decided to make some changes.

The healthcare worker sought out advice from a therapist, and together the couple decided to open their relationship and seek out other partners – while remaining together.

Now, six years later, the pair says their new set-up works best for them, despite no longer having sex and sleeping in separate beds.

“Before considering non-monogamy, we had looked at getting a divorce,” Kate, from Portland, Oregon, US, told What’s The Jam.

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“Our relationship changed over the course of 10 years together and we had a few friends who were polyamorous.

“It wasn’t something we had considered until our physical relationship ended and we had become platonic.

“[Now] my husband and I have separate bedrooms and we are platonic partners.

“Our other partners usually have one bedroom [at their homes], but we schedule sleepovers and it usually works out – no one sleeps on the couch.”

Kate and Matt both entered the new set-up with open minds but struggled at first with feelings of jealously surrounding getting intimate with others and developing feelings for someone else.

She said: “We fought and worked really hard to find and maintain boundaries and navigate everything.

“Sometimes [I get jealous], but this is a secondary emotion.

“In my experience, I have learned that jealousy is usually rooted in some insecurity.

“I think the last time I was jealous in any capacity was when a partner rescheduled a date night with me to spend time with a new partner.

“Effective communication is usually my solution for most issues.

“Compared to where we are now, it is hard to even imagine having those same problems.

“We couldn’t even talk about physically intimate things, but now we have moments like: ‘I’m running to the adult toy store – are you good on lube?’

“Our friendship has healed a lot through our journey.”

At home, the pair have separate rooms, which Kate says “helped us find our autonomy and express who we are as individuals while deconstructing from our co-dependency on each other”.

She added: “Sex was never and is never the top priority for relationships despite how social norms try to dictate that.”

The couple, who have known each other since childhood, now enjoy different partners which they meet online or in their local area.

Matt has a girlfriend, who he has been with for five years.

Kate, however, has three committed partners, a few “play” partners – and other flirtatious friends and crushes.

One of her partners is also married, while another of her partners is solo polyamorous and doesn’t have anybody else in his love life.

A third partner, who is also married, is also in a ‘throuple’ with her wife and their girlfriend.

While they don’t have a set of rules, there are some boundaries in place to keep things fair for all parties involved.

Kate said: “Some boundaries I have in relationships mainly pertain to sexual health and safety.

“I test for STIs every three months, I also take PreP and I ask my partners to test regularly too and disclose any risk factors such as fluid bonding with a new partner, or any changes in their partners status.

“There will always be risk involved in being sexually active – but open and honest dialog is vital.

“We don’t use rules since that can be very hierarchical – and most of us prefer to not practice hierarchy in any of our relationships.”

Luckily, they’ve had full support from their friends and family and although they’ve faced some criticism online, they are happy.

Kate added: “Our friends were some of our strongest supporters in our transition.

“We had several polyamorous friends who helped us a lot in the beginning and also gave us a roadmap of pitfalls they experienced.

“My family has been extremely supportive as well.

“My mom and dad even took my partner and I to Las Vegas for my birthday.

“My parents are old hippies so they aren’t too easy to shock.

“They naturally had questions, but ultimately they figured out that monogamy worked for them, but that it’s not for everyone.

“I feel very privileged that my family is so accepting, I know very well that that is not the case for many people in non-monogamy.

“Being online and open about polyamory has been a wild ride.

“Thankfully I have found more friends and built more of a community – and I have more than a few crushes on some of those friends.

“As a community, most of us practicing non-monogamy get tired of hearing the same repetitive questions and criticisms, like jealousy and STIs.

“My goal is to just normalise non-monogamy, even if it is just through my own lived experience.

“Non-monogamy isn’t new or something trendy – it has been here long before us and will still be here long after we are gone.

“And I would say to anyone curious about polyamory should start by observing our vast and wonderful community; get to know us, as there is so much to learn.”

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