A childfree woman has sparked debate online after saying it is easier for women to adopt the “identity of motherhood” rather than “figuring out their true identity”.
Lauren Joyce said she grew up assuming she would have kids, but by her mid-30s, she questioned if that was truly what she wanted – and decided against it.
Now 38, she has documented her thoughts on motherhood in a TikTok that garnered 189,000 views – and left viewers divided in the comments section.
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“I think there is a large percentage of women who have kids because the identity of ‘mother’ seems easier, and more palatable, than figuring out their true identity,” Lauren, who runs female empowerment brand The Magnetic Woman, said in the TikTok shared with What’s The Jam.
“When you choose to be child-free, and especially if you are also choosing to be single, the roles that society has traditionally prescribed to women as the goal, achievement or sense of worth, you are not in those roles.
“Therefore, there’s a massive void in that you have all of the time and space and freedom to truly figure out who you are.
“And that is scary.
“It’s very confronting.
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“Because, for the longest time, society has really propped up this idea and romanticised this idea of marriage and motherhood for women, I think there is probably a large percentage of women who had kids because it was expected of them.
“I’m not saying those women don’t love their kids – but what I am saying is that sliding into an identity of motherhood without first really creating a self-identity is a lot easier.
“And much more societally and patriarchally accepted.”
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The video divided viewers, with some criticising the controversial take, and others agreeing with Lauren’s thoughts.
One critic wrote: “Ugh, I’m so bored of people acting like women are lesser because they want to become mothers. For some of us, being a mother really IS our true identity. I’ve never felt happier and more like myself and more confident than I do now as a mom.”
“Most child-free females end up miserable. A sense they’ve missed out, & they have. Enjoy,” another viewer wrote.
But other users agreed wholeheartedly with Lauren’s views.
One person commented: “I 100% agree. I think women should delay getting married and having kids till at least and out of college for at least 3 years. Get to know yourself before just going with society’s ‘picture perfect’ definition.”
“It feels lonely here sometimes, but I get sad for my friends with kids. I know they wanted to be moms, but I also wish I could see how they’d grow and change without the husbands and kids,” another user agreed.
Someone else added, “Motherhood is often the safest identity a woman can choose. It grants instant purpose and approval, while self-definition demands solitude and honesty. Many step into it not from desire, but because it’s easier than facing themselves.”
Lauren, from Pittsburgh, US, faced her thoughts on having children in her mid-30s, after breaking up with a long-term partner.
She said, “I grew up just assuming I would have children, because that is what I assumed you did.
“When I was in my 20’s I knew that I would only have children with someone who was able to truly meet me in a partnership. I was clear that I didn’t want children enough to do it alone.
“In my mid-30s, I really started to question what I truly desired.
“There is so much societal pressure for women, especially in our mid-30s, and I was no exception.
“The whole ‘your clock is ticking’ and ‘it is all downhill after your mid-30s’ was playing in my mind.
“I found myself really sitting with if I wanted children or not, because if I did, I would have to make that a priority.
“And I realised I did not want to make having children a priority – and when I sat with what my life would look like without children, I got excited.
“I felt free, I felt like the rest of my life could be about me, fully, completely, without compromise, and that is what I wanted.
“I think we are conditioned from a very early age as little girls to prioritise everyone else, their wants, their needs, societal expectations.
“And honestly, that is how I had lived most of my life, but then I had what felt like a very bold thought, ‘ what if I was just selfish for the rest of my life? What if I prioritise my wants, my desires?’
“It felt a little uncomfortable at first, but then I quickly realised this is what I wanted.
“I think not only is it OK for women to be selfish, but that we should be.
“The patriarchy is perpetuated because women do not prioritise themselves.”
However, Lauren clarified that she isn’t against motherhood – and doesn’t believe motherhood in itself is in any way easy.
She added, “I would never claim that being a mother is easy – it isn’t, and every single mother deserves so much admiration for what she does.
“Now ‘mother’ as an identity for women is an ‘easier’ choice in the sense that it is readily and easily accepted in the patriarchy and society at large.
“It is like a ready-made identity, and it often does not leave room for much else.
“Women who choose not to have children are choosing a path that goes against what the patriarchy expects and even demands of women.
“Women who are childfree by choice cannot be easily controlled; we have far less constraints on our time, our energy, our finances.
“We truly get to live for ourselves in a way that has not really been seen en masse throughout history.”
